I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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