I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
