I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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