ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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