yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just gift wrapped bread.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
