I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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