i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize