how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
