I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
