Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
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Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You are the jesus of drinking
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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