i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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