So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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