I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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