If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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