Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
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