i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
