I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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