i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize