I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
