The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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