well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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