i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize