Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
