Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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