We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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