then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I want her autograph on my taint
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
