Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
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