I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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