Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
