saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
