There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
