he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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