Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
