ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
