where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
