We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
