I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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