One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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