Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
