...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
