Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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