youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
even my farts smell like vagina
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize