Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
