I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
