I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
