I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
