you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
