Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
