It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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