i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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