my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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