and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
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I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
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Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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