I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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