My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
