I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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