Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
