I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Randomize
